Sometimes I wander

 This guy his name is Joe, I call him Joe Schmo. He's just a friend and nothing more. He says to me that "all the nice girls are at home with broken hearts." Thats true. No matter how hard I try to get over it, it never fails that I continually barracade myself from the world only to wallow in my sorrow. Sometimes I find that being alone and just breaking down is the only thing that makes me feel better. Sometimes I wander if I'll ever get over it. I know that I'm happy and dont get me wrong I'm not holding on, Im simply trying to get over it and move on. But it feels as if that will never happen. I've never been so hurt in my life. Did you ever know the meaning of a "heavy heart" Well thats what I have. My heart is so big that all the grief and hurt makes it sad and heavy. And no matter how happy I am, my heart isnt any easier to carry. I'll continue everyday being me, being happy, loving, caring, living, and being free. But theres always gonna be that scar to remind me how bad i was hurt and even though its all healed up, sometimes if i move too fast, or I'm reminded of my past, It gets ripped open and bleeds everywhere and sometimes I wander if I'll ever get over it. People say time. Time my ass. It feels as if time only makes it worse. I think that if you really ever loved someone then you never ever get over it atleast thats how it is for me. But I'm young and I've only ever loved one person so what do I know. Well I do know that I dont fall in love over night, days, weeks, or even months. Love for me takes years. The only person that I ever loved has broken me  over and over again and yet I still believe and hope he loves me. I dont know whats wrong with me because I also believe that if he really truly loved me then he would treat me right. I keep making excuses for him and I know that nobody knows him the way that I do. Sometimes I wander why I place so much value on a piece of shit who doesnt deserve an ounce of love from a heart so great.But I can't help that he will always have a piece of my heart, Believe if I could erase him from my mind i would but i dont think i could ever erase him from my heart, believe me I've tried.....

Hello, did you change your mind and burn everything?

(phone rings and i dont answer)

text message-

Him- Hello, did you change your mind and burn everything?

I-Oh you know me so well

Him-Bet it was fun, goodbye.

I-dont be so cynical. I still love you and I have respect for your things. I wouldnt do that to your nice shirts.

Him-Does that mean you're dropping it off today or holding it hostage?

I-haha i can drop it off but i dont get off till 8:30

Him-well im here at my house, what do you have to do?

I-just housekeeping stuff, cleaning, taking out trash, cleaning toilets etc etc. stuff like that. youre lucky your done with all your shit cuz working for free sucks dog shit. After Im done with all this legal matter and off probation Im moving to Oahu with my oldest brother Mike and my middle brother Joel, hopefully my other brothers follow. My oldest brother is going to open up a restaurant/lounge. And I'm gonna finish school there.If you ever make it back to the rock, look me up in the phone book lol.

Him- Coo. I met my tattoo master that is willing to teach me over 23 years of tattoo knowledge, I start in less than a month.

I- Thats awesome, where did you meet him?

Him- Him?!?! Him is a she and I ran into her while I bartending in the sports bar the other day.

I- Cool, Im happy for you :)

Him-Good way to describe her, she looks like a fly ass gypsy...Gold chains, i mean gold errythang.

I-Oh I bet shes wonderful. Sounds like she has a good heart, to b so willing to teach unto you.

Him- Shooo is a sweet lady.

Him-After i get my license your uncle should let me tat that piece pipe on him.

Him-Or tat all u guys up in general....give u the family discount.

Him- ...Least i can do for the unbelievably fuckt up things i've done to u.....

I-Wow.I have never heard u admit to being in the wrong. Sounds like u had a vision. I wandered when it would come to you.

I-Seeing yourself for what u really are and done and admitting your wrongs, thats the first step to becoming who u wanna b. Sometimes we get lost out there trying to find ourselves.

Him- Im not lost, I know im fuckt up theres no going back. Im happy and shocked i didnt do what i fantasized to do that last night we had together. ya its horrible to say but u really can only fantasize for so long.

I- Lost is an inuendo in the metaphor. It stand for the fuckt up things we do to hurt both physically and mentally the ppl who care about us the most, and often ourselves. I didnt mean that you dont know who you are. Just that i know thats not genuine to what you want to be. Who would want to be so evil. Afterall evil spirits surround everyone but they can only manifest in the weak. I know you got dreams and goals, i see the greater good within your purpose. We often see the best version of the good within ppl. But we dont realize that we cant make them be their best version of themselves, only they can. This isnt something i read in a book. It comes from my heart. I know Im a good person with a golden heart. I was born with big old eyes that give me intuition and clairvoyance. I am who i am and Im sure you know me by now.

I- The great spirit has kept me here. I survived because he has a plan for me. Despite all bad relationships, the addictions, the consequences, the bad credit, the death of my loved ones, the backstabbing from friends and family, the negitive thoughts, or the lack of support, I made it through because i am blessed, i release and let go of all the past hurts, misunderstandings and fueds because i am abundantly blessed, I recognize them as they are sent from the enemy the evil spirits of the devil, to kill my spirit, steal my joy and destroy my faith. For good is all there is, all else is a lie. I give myself a hug, wipe my tears away and WALK PROUD, love myself to be a blessing to everyone. Because if i dont, then im the only one who suffers...

To return to love

To return to love, to get the love we have always wanted but never had, to have the love we want but are not prepared to give, we seek romantic relationships. We believe that these relationships, more than any other, will rescue and redeem us. True love does have the power to redeem, but only if we are ready for redemption. Love saves us only if we want to be saved.

Love is an action. Essentially an act of will. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling- it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever.  a feeling comes and it may go. The desire to love is not itself love. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will- namely both an intention and action. Will also implies choice, we do not have to love, we choose to love.

I changed the way I talk and think about love in response to the emotional lack i felt within myself and in my relationship. Starting with clear definitions of love, of feeling, intention, and will, I no longer enter relationships with the lack of awareness that leads me to make all bonds the site for repeating old patterns. Although i have experienced dissapointment in my quest to love and be loved, I still believe in the transformative power of love. Dissapointment has not led me to close my heart.

Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.

"Somebody appreciates the unique you. Count your blessings by thinking of the people who love you. If you judge people you have no time to love them. Open your mind and heart to good things. Don't let your last bad relationship, ruin your future one. No matter what is troubling you today, remember that tomorrow is only a day away. So this is life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

excerpts from a few different places including my heart :)

Stay strong.

Christmas Day 1987, I was born a drug addicted baby.Heroin was my drug but not by choice. My biological mother started using heroin two months before I was born. Her addiction allowed her to walk away from me that day. Addiction is a horrible disease that makes mothers give in to selfishness.
 When I was born, there were a lot of odds against me.My life has been very far from easy. I have been abused both physically and emotionally. and I too have suffered from addiction. But my drug of choice is freedom. A tough ass bitch named Janis Joplin said that freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. and fuck I love freedom.

After all the shit I been through, honestly I wouldn't have changed my past now if I could. I learned a lot just living through the things I did and this is cliche to say but honestly those experiences shaped me into who I am today.

and who am I? I'm still figuring that out day by day,for the most part I know I'm a survivor, lover, fighter, friend, dreamer, confidant, visionary, clairvoyant, bitch, sister, daughter and counselor and fuuck I love myself. I love who I am, I love being me. Each day poses new struggles and new struggles are ongoing. Always in life, shit happens. but it's not the shit that happens to you that determines the outcomes in your life. It's your reaction to the shit that happens that determines the effects on your life. I'm not going to tell you to "be strong" because then I'm referring to a state of mind. A state of mind that comes and goes. Instead i have been told "stay strong" because those who know me, know that I was born this way. i got a strong stubborn thick confident head & with all the odds against me, and I stayed strong through it all. if u weren't born strong, I'll let in on the secret ingredient only if u promise to share it with everyone else who suffers, the secret it confidence. believing in yourself. whether u believe you can or you believe you can't, you're right. because what you believe, manifests itself. pay attention to your intention and move forward fearlessly.

blessings.

A beautiful, unconditional love letter

"I wanted to call you lots of times but I never knew what I would say. I still don’t know what to say or even if you care about what I have to say… Do you think that I’m mad at you? I’m not. I don’t want things to be sour between us. And I forgive you for everything, even if you aren’t sorry. You can call me anytime. You know that and you know My number. And I’m always going to be here for you because I always love you. I hope your holidays were good and your birthday even better. I love you and think about you all the time and I worry about you. I always wonder how you feel, how you’re doing, what you’re doing. You’re always on my mind. sometimes when I see something on TV or hear a song, I think of you. It’s been a while, but I still remember everything. I know our life together has not been perfect, but that’s just the way life goes. The way I feel for you doesn’t go away. I thought after you left you would fade away from my mind, but my heart wont let me forget I have been dreaming of you and of our time together. I will never forget you. I hope you still think of me too. I love you with all that I am, all that I was and all that I will ever be. I miss you so much. I can’t convince you how much I miss you. I knew you would be the first and the last one I love, and I was right...however you left me, you hurt me, you made me go through all kinds of pain but it is ok cuz I know no one can replace you and I will always love you as I love you right now... I want you and always will and there is nothing that will ever change the way I feel about you ... Love can make you do things that you never thought possible I am convinced I will never have again feelings for someone like I had for you. It’s a long time to hang onto someone that seemingly so easily moved on.Nobody could ever replace you. The pain then was unbearable. I guess you could say that it has now become bearable. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you everyday and wish that things could have been different. After everything that happened, I still think about the way it was in the beginning. & Even though I’m moving on, this doesn’t mean that I won’t still be here once the circumstances have changed and our stars are finally aligned properly. The love I have for you is undying. It is a love that is strong and enduring and will stand the test of time. I promise to always love you and always hold you in my heart. I will always be here for you when you need me, and I will love you no matter what life brings us...this is me being brave enough  to send you this hopes you read it. Hopes You might even feel something, a raindrop of sympathy for the tidal waves of loneliness and stupidity I feel. Know that I think about you.
I think I will end this now, before I consider what you might think of it. I love you and am waiting for the day when I can feel your arms around me again. Know that I think of you. Take care."

-anonymous (credits to leloveimage.blogspot)

I hope that one day someone will love me like this and write me beautiful love letters expressing an undying unconditional love<3 Love is beautiful, just as much as it makes us crazy.

Keep Fighting

"sometimes there are gonna be days that test your will. I had one today.
days when it seems like everything is just SO much harder than it needs to be.
days when is seems like everyone else is skating on ice + you are trudging uphill (in both directions) through knee deep mud.

I wish I could tell you why we have to keep fighting the good fight.
I don't actually know.

I do know that if you let the world eat you alive. It will.
If you let the bad guys win. Then you lose.

Just remember, that nothing that is really yours can ever be taken from you.

keep fighting fearless army."